Hands Off Physio Celebrates Empty Patient Schedule
Little known Inner West Physiotherapist, Hans Hansoffer, 26, has celebrated a monumental achievement after recently gaining employment at a well established Practice in the region’s upper-middle-lower class district.
Faced with the unenviable task of stepping into a fully established patient caseload in a busy and highly reputable clinic, the Clinician, whose unassuming nature is said to belie a steely patient-centred resolve, achieved what many pundits thought impossible. In just six short months, Mr Hansoffer, who refers to himself as “Bluetooth”, because he is always hands free, managed to discharge a full list of patients to self-management programs, leaving his appointment schedule entirely free of bookings.
“I’m immensely proud”, said Mr Hansoffer. “It’s truly a tremendous honour to have cracked this achievement in such a short space of time. I heard someone say it has never been done before, so that makes me pretty awesome I suppose. But let’s be fair… I can’t take all the credit… I couldn’t have done it without the unwavering support of my online buddies who have helped me stay focused on my primary clinical goal of patient-centred self management”.
“I’m pretty sure my employer is happy with me”, continued Mr Hansoffer. “Actually- happy would be an understatement. He called me in for a meeting last week and I think he was holding back a few tears of pride. He reckons that apart from the first few years of opening the clinic, they’ve always had at least four physios with rolling full caseloads… But I’ve come in and changed all of that. They’ve never had a Physio clean up a full caseload so quickly. I didn’t make too much of a fuss about it, because I didn’t want to embarrass the boss or blow smoke up my own arse… but I mean fuck, all those poor patients who were handing over their money when they could just as easily be treating themselves!”
When asked by our reporter about the levels of satisfaction his patients were discharged with, Mr Hansoffer assumed a slightly confused and indignant demeanour, not unlike a retarded donkey.
“Of course my patients were satisfied! I discharged them with a complete self-management program. Their self-efficacy levels are now through the roof! What else do they need? This is what it’s all about… getting patients out of the healthcare system so they can sort themselves out without blowing out our federal healthcare budgets. We all know federal healthcare budgets and patient centred care go hand in hand. I mean seriously… you’re questioning how satisfied the patients were? Really? That’s a fucken stupid question…”
